The following content is purely satirical and completely fictional.
Students positive for COVID -19 who spend five consecutive days alone in an isolation dorm actually feel a bit lonely, according to a recent joint survey initiative by Counseling and Psychology Services and the Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Students.
“They gave me a sheet, but no stuffed animals. I don't even mind how cold it is at night without a blanket. I wish I could fill the dark void of loneliness by wrapping myself in a blanket every once in a while,” said Solon Lee, 24, sobbing ever so softly. “Who could have known that being isolated was so isolated?”
A Princeton official told The Daily PrintsAnything that the University was surprised to learn that 42 percent of students indicated they were somewhat or strongly "in your feelings."
To accommodate isolation dorm overflow, some students have been instructed to quarantine in their own dorms. Conditions, however, do not seem to have improved for them.
One student who wished to remain anonymous said he isolated himself expecting a lot of "me time, relaxation and fun". Instead, they explained, the best they got was blue chicken and a link to a YouTube video of stock footage of partygoers enjoying themselves at a music concert.
"Maybe I should have coughed in my roommate's face so we could both test positive and isolate together," Fren Liss '22 wondered. they were the only source of human interaction the students had experienced in days. Many begged us not to finish our interviews with them. We wrap up the interviews.
Ben Kim is a freshman majoring in mechanical and aerospace engineering. He can be reached at email@example.com.
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