The university suspends all the light weights of the campus after the death by confraternity of the fraternity

TUSCALOOSA, AL – In an effort to avoid a new alcohol-related tragedy, administrators at the University of Alabama announced plans on Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who can not handle their shit after the hazing death of Delta Kappa Epsilon's first student, Matthew Young. "What happened to Matt last weekend is totally preventable, so we are immediately restricting all pipsqueaks that can not even pigeonhole Old English 40 to their housing units," an email from the president from the University of Alabama, Stuart. R. Bell read in part, and also announced that all 798 pathetic bitches who had committed to the 15 fraternities of the school withdrew from their fall courses and became effective immediately. "Greek life has always been an important part of the tradition on our campus, and we hope it will remain that way, but students should be aware that they will not have a place in this institution until they can drink a pint of semen." Vodka, runs five miles naked while shooting a pack of 12 beers and finds her way home blindfolded without fainting. The University of Alabama simply does not tolerate the pussies that mourn Mom simply because they never learned to be tough with the paint of shit. That behavior has no place in this university. "Bell acknowledged that this measure is not enough by itself, and that everyone, both in the university and in the country in general, must do a better job to combat the unbridled culture of lightweight that contributed to Young's death …